Since I had my relapse back in April, much has happened. I like that word “relapse” – sounds so much more polite than “being fucked by my lover.” ;-)
I went to counseling at church to help with my problem. I have determined that counseling is basically a waste of time. It is depressing when you realize that the people trying to help you are just as much screwed up as yourself. But the counseling did get me to realize that there is only way to stop having an affair – and that is to just say no. Yeah, I know that sounds trite, but it is true.
So I have been affair free since April! I am not sure if that is on the wagon or off the wagon. But just as a recovering alcoholic describes himself as clean and sober, I have been clean and chaste since April. Yeah me!
My son just turned two last week. I can’t believe how fast time goes by! Almost three years ago, some drunken asshole raped me in my own home during a Christmas party. And because of that senseless act of sex, I am now blowing up animal balloons and putting up dinosaur streamers at a birthday party. God does work in mysterious ways!
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything. It would just have been easier if my husband was the real father. But then my son would have been a different person. And I love him just how he is. I guess that is a paradox. Hurts my brain to think too much about it.
And I should correct myself - my husband is the REAL father. He may not be the biological father, but he is the man that is there for my son.
And despite all his grandiose plans and talk, Mark was never there for his son. He only feigned interest in my son so that he could have an excuse to be around me. He figured that if he was around me he would find a way to have sex with me. And, of course, he was right. So it is actually better that he is now out of the picture. But I am still irritated at him.
As I watched my son at the party, I realized how much he looks like Mark. In my anxious state, I swore that everyone at the party was secretly knew the secret! Of course, very few people really know the truth except for Mark, a counselor and myself.
My counselor did urge that I should tell Jeff the truth that he is not the biological father. But I could not take that step. And it is not that I am scared what would happen to me. Revealing the truth would be a welcome release for me. But I fear the truth would devastate my husband and his relationship with our son. I have already caused enough damage. Do I have the right to cause more just so I can get some therapeutic benefit? What do you guys think?
It might sound counter-intuitive, but I don't think that this is a case where telling the truth is the way to go. By telling the truth in this scenario you will hurt people by telling them things they simply do not want to know. Yes, telling the truth might be freeing in one way - which is probably why your counselor thinks it is a good idea - but the reality is that your husband loves your son, your son loves your husband - this is a good situation for everyone, why break their hearts?
ReplyDeleteKimberly,
ReplyDeleteI agree. It would do only more harm than good.
I am sometimes tempted to spill my guts due to my anxiety. I hate living a lie. That was one of the reasons the affair was so emotionally draining on me. I had always previously been a good person. And now it seems I have created a web of deceit. Sometimes I just want to spill
I agree with Kimberly.
ReplyDeleteWhat good will come from this.
I believe counselors are trained to ask you to tell the truth.
Thinking this is going make you feel better. But what good will it really cause? Hurt to Jeff for you living the lie. Maybe if you had been able right from the start to say something yes. But now no.
Just my thought. Good for you for saying "no".
I have not yet be able to do that.
Kimberely and Spin have it right. Keep thine mouth shut tight.....
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice. It weights on me, but I will keep my mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteWill post my agreement with all the others. Don't tell.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you back!