Faith and Temptation

I have discovered that nothing can shake the notion of the type of person you are than committing adultery. And adultery is one of the most selfish acts a person can commit. Obviously adultery is a violation of your spouse, but it also a violation of many more people. When you fuck another married man, you are also metaphorically fucking over your husband, your kids, the other man’s wife and his kids. In many ways a physical assault would be more kind than breaching a marriage vow.

A little background


I was raised in an evangelic Christian environment. I attended a Christian school. And I was a “good” girl. I was devout in my faith and I was active in choir and the youth ministries.

I was a virgin when I married at the age of 22. While I know that is unusual, I believed that sex belonged only in marriage.

Sex with my husband was never passionate or frequent. But I did not care. Sex was not important to me. Only love was important and I found that in my husband.

Then when Mark violated me at the Christmas party, something snapped inside of me. It was as if I lost God and I became demonically possessed. In my mind I struggled with lust. And that was eventually manifested with my affair with Mark.

As I wrote previously, I don’t know why I was so sexually attracted to Mark. In many ways I really hate the man. He is not loving. He is not kind. He is not considerate. He abused me both physically and emotionally.

Mark constantly mocked my faith. And he gained sadistic pleasure in urging me to do things that further degraded me. Maybe I will gain the courage to blog about some of these depravities. What disturbed me was that I willing participated in such activities. I am not sure God can ever forgive me.


Counseling

In an attempt to redeem my soul, I attended spiritual counseling at my church. (I need to be careful I don’t reveal too many details on this blog. So I will attempt to be as vague as possible so people won’t be able to figure out the church.)


I attend a mega church. The church also has an associated school. I teach at the school. When I was a child, I attended the church and the school (it was smaller back then.)


As such, this Church has been my spiritual family since I was a child. The head pastor has been there since I was in high school 20 years ago. He was the man that married Jeff and me. He is very well known in the community and admired as a man of Faith and Conviction. He has been blessed with a large family of kids and grandkids.

An associated pastor was assigned to my counseling. I was assured it would be treated with strict confidentiality as I teach at the school. So I gathered up my courage and made my first appointment.

I explained my fears that I had lost my salvation. I also admitted that I had been unfaithful. I was too shy to provide details as to the depths I had fallen.

I attended five sessions, but I did not see much progress. The counselor was OK, but he seemed to just say the usual platitudes. I got discouraged and told the counselor that I would cancel the remaining sessions. Then Pastor Karl (not his real name) called me. He asked if I was filling to go through a special prayer and fasting regiment. Of course, I said yes.

Pastor Karl

Pastor Karl was always a spiritual father to me since I knew him when I was in High School. Throughout the years I have known him as a dynamic and charismatic speaker and leader. I always thought he was the most spiritual in tune man on Earth. He had a natural ability to comfort and motivate people. While other people may idolize movie stars, I idolized Pastor Karl.

A year ago the pastor and his wife celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. Some of their children now work for the church and the school. And they have many grandkids. The perfect family.

So I was honored when Pastor Karl asked to oversee my prayer and fasting session. For those of you not familiar with the faith, my church believes that prayer and fasting can be very powerful in combating certain obsessions.

"This kind of demonic problem does not go out except by prayer and fasting." – Mathew 17:21

To be most effective, the five day water fast needs to be conducted with constant prayer and meditation. As I was on summer vacation (and Jeff was out of a job) I was able to dedicate those five days and nights to prayer. I REALLY wanted to be delivered from my lust of Mark.

I arrived at Pastor’s Karl’s office at Noon on Saturday. From what I have heard, these prayer sessions usually last 2 or 3 hours.

Well, I prayed for 3 hours and I felt nothing. I could not feel God speaking to me. During this whole time Pastor Karl was beside me. I felt guilty keeping him so long, but he told me not to worry that we will pray as long as needed. The day quickly turned dark. The only breaks I took were for the bathroom to freshen up.

Night came and I could hear the maintenance staff cleaning up and locking the doors. But I still did not feel moved by God. I was growing anxious with my lack of progress.

Pastor Karl encouraged me not to worry about the time and continue in prayer. He said he would stay with me if it took all night to get the breakthrough.

At 11:17 P.M. (there was a digital clock on his desk) the breakthrough came. While on my knees praying I felt God’s love pour through me. I knew I had been redeemed. I broke into uncontrollable sobs and placed my head in Pastor Karl’s lap. He stroked my hair in a loving manner. I knew everything was right in the world. I told him God had redeemed me and I was now free from the temptation of lust.

Then he kissed my gently on the forehead, smiled and unbuttoned the top button of my blouse. At first it did not register what he was doing. In a nonchalant manner he continued to unbutton my blouse as I kneeled before him.

As each button was opened, it was as if a hole was punctured in a water balloon. I could feel years of faith pouring out of my soul. How could a man that I trusted completely over the years violate me in such a manner? When he unbuttoned the last button he removed my blouse. As my blouse fell to the carpet, I could feel God being removed.

I was on my knees before him wearing only a bra on top. I will always remember this conversation,

Pastor Karl: Why did you let me remove your blouse?

Me: I don’t know.

Pastor Karl: I believe it is because Satan sent you here to tempt me as he sent Bathsheba to tempt David.

Me: No! I love God. I want his forgiveness.

Pastor Karl: If you loved God you wouldn’t use your body to tempt me. And you have always deliberately tempted men with your body since you were a student here.

Me: No. I just want to do good and be good.

Pastor Karl: Well, we both know that is a lie. You are an adulterer. And you came in my office dressed immodestly with a sheer blouse. I could see your bra through that blouse.

We are all sinners. And I don’t expect perfect people to be on my staff. But I don’t tolerate liars.

You have two choices. 1) You can be a liar and put your blouse back on and claim you love God. 2) Or you can be honest and remove your bra. And admit Satan sent you here to seduce me.

I wanted more than anything to put by blouse back on. And I did love God. I wanted to be a good and moral person. But was I lying to myself?


I thought of all I had done in past few years - the lies, the sexual immorality with Mark. In a moment of sudden clarity I realized Pastor Karl was right, I was depraved. Satan was leading me.

But I did not want to seduce Pastor Karl. He was my spiritual father for all this years. I admired his leadership and charisma. But I never thought of him sexually. Or did I?

I looked up at the face of Pastor Karl. I had known that face for 20 years. He was now in his 60s and slightly balding. While not particularly handsome, he radiated a sense of power. And I found that power to be intoxicating.

At that point I did not care about right or wrong. I only knew that I trusted this man completed. He was man of God. I needed to put actions to demonstrate my faith in him. He had a plan to bring about good. So I removed my bra. My nipples were erect. I looked down at the carpet in shame.

I felt his hand gently lift my chin so that my eyes met his. I swore that his blue eyes could penetrate into my soul.

“Did Satan send you here to seduce me?” he whispered.

I answered yes. And I knew my answer was true. Until that moment I had always played the victim and never took responsibility for my actions. I felt tears going down my face. Pastor Karl gently wiped my tears away.

“Now you understand the depth of your depravity. Only now can you start to heal,” he said.

He then kissed me in a grandfatherly way on the forehead. He pulled me gently on his lap and I curled up like a kitten. Pastor Karl held me and caressed my hair for 30 minutes. I felt the love of God return.

Aftermath

Over the weeks that followed, I often thought of that prayer session with Pastor Karl. While I know his method might raise a few eyebrows, I truly believe that he was led by God to provide me with a couple of lessons.

The first lesson is that it is possible to be tempted but not yield to temptation. Pastor Karl had a half-naked woman on his lap that admitted she was trying to seduce him. I could tell that he was physically aroused (I could feel his erection.) However, he did not yield to the temptation. He demonstrated how a person of faith can pass a test. And how I don’t have any excuse to yielding to temptation.

The second lesson was that is demonstrated how I was not such a good and moral woman. I liked to play the victim and blame other for my moral failure. I blame Mark for raping me at the Christmas party all those years ago. But I played my part in leading him on.

I have not spoken in private with Pastor Karl since that incident. But when we look at each other, I can tell of the bond between us.

I am struggling with my faith. Can I be like Pastor Karl and be tempted without yielding? I don’t know.