In Defense of Pastor Karl

This was originally a response to Hosea in the comments section to the post below. But as it grew quite lengthy, I thought I would just make it a post. I feel I need to do this because I am worried I am how showing Pastor Karl (not his real name) in the proper light. Anyway, here was my response.

Part of the issue is that I see the world in both secular and spiritual terms. And many times the spiritual seems unreasonable or even crazy to those who have a different faith or world view.

If I should view the incident with Pastor Karl through a secular lens, I agree that his actions were inappropriate. I understand the proper counseling protocol. And if such a thing happened with another counselor (such as with the associate pastor) I would have immediately reported it. I am hardly a weak woman.

I did attend the traditional counseling and it was quite proper and professional. However, it was not effective. And I believe it was not effective because I was dealing with a spiritual, not a psychological, issue.

A little background – Pastor Karl has been my spiritual father since I was a teenager. Though his influence and teachers I was able to avoid the temptation of sex and drugs. How many other girls can say that?

My entire university costs were covered by a church scholarship. When I graduated, Pastor Karl was generous enough to have a teaching position for me. I owe much of my success in life to him.

And how do I thank him? I have an illicit affair that threatens to embarrass the entire church and school. Pastor Karl did not cause me to have that affair. That was my choice.

When I revealed my sin to the Church I knew I was taking a risk. Based on my contract the school is well within its rights to terminate me based on a morals clause. I am sure that would have been the easiest and safest choice. But Pastor Karl and his staff decided to work with me and not throw me out on the street. Such an action would have left my family with NO income.

And did Pastor Karl initially choose to see me? No. If his motive was sexual, he could have easily scheduled a meeting with me immediately. But instead I went through traditional counseling. Was it Pastor Karl’s fault that counseling was not effective? No. It was my own hard heartedness.

When I cancelled my remaining sessions, the school again was within its rights to get rid of me. Part of my agreement to stay on after the revelation of my sin was that I would attend mandatory counseling. I did not uphold my end of the agreement.

Showing the patience of Job, Pastor Karl still did not give up on me. He agreed to oversee my fasting and prayer regiment personally. He is a busy man with many important responsibilities, but he cared enough about me to spend time with me.

Now comes some more spiritual stuff that may seem strange to people of another faith. But I was raised believing in literal angles and demons. So while this may seem whacky to some people, it is real to me.

I believe that my sexual sin opened the door for me coming under demonic influence. And, no, I don’t mean I was possessed like the girl in the Exorcist. But I do believe demonic forces influenced my thinking and actions.

Pastor Karl is a great man of God. He has done much to expand God’s kingdom. As such, such a man will frequently receive attacks from the Devil, with the goal to destroy or discredit his ministry.

In hindsight, I believe that I was a pawn in Satan’s plan to attack Pastor Karl. Even Mark’s initial violation of me might have been part of the greater overall plan, knowing that it would lead to me tempting Pastor Karl three years in the future.

So when I entered his office, I was not a “helpless” woman. I believe I was lead there to destroy Pastor Karl and his ministry. I was the serpent, not the victim.

Of course, I was temporarily blinded at the time. I honestly did not see the underlying motivation for my actions. For example, why did I choose to wear a sheer blouse? What did I choose to wear a short skirt? Why did I choose not to wear panties? I NEVER dress like that. I always dress very modestly. And yet I chose to dress like that without even being consciously aware of what I was doing. That can only be explained through the spiritual.

So when I had my “breakthrough” and claimed to be delivered from lust, Pastor Karl could see through my self-delusion. Instead of arguing the point with me (which would have been pointless), he decided to give me a test so I could see my self-delusion with my own eyes.

And what better way to show me my folly than to start to unbutton my blouse. For if I had been truly set free from lust, I would have immediately jumped up and stopped him. But I sat on my knees passively without objection as I allowed a married man to unbuttoned my blouse. And each button that was removed illustrated how far I was from God. When my blouse dropped to the floor, I no longer had any illusions.

And his asking me to remove my bra was not an attempt to get a cheap sexual thrill, but to force me to “get real” about my situation. I could have put my blouse back on and imagined myself to be a sweet, innocent girl who was taken advantaged by the mean, old man. That would have been the easy action to take. Instead he challenged my faith.

I am reminded of the story in which God asked Abraham to go up the mountain and prepare to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Sometimes we may be asked to do things that initially do not make sense, but we need faith.

So it was an act of faith when I removed my bra. Immediately my eyes were opened of the demonic nature of my actions. I was no longer self-deluded. Satan has sent me there to seduce Pastor Karl. I fully expected and wanted him to fuck me at that moment. My nipples were erect because I was in a hyper-sexual state.

And yet he resisted the temptation. How many men in such a situation would have done that? Not many.

So Pastor Karl did not degrade me. He simply showed how Satan had degraded me.

My respect and admiration for Pastor Karl is hard to describe. He is the only one in this world that I trust completely.