I am sorry about that last post I made. The guy that I sent it to did not deserve such hostility from me. I hate making excuses, but that e-mail was a culmination of events that set me off.
Years ago, I was taken advantage of by an older Christian man that acted as a father figure of sorts. (No we did not have sexual intercourse.) Those memories all flooded back and my letter was really to that guy. Anyway, I want to apologize to L.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wednesday Nights
It is Wednesday night. When I was having an affair with Mark, Wednesday night was when we frequently met.
You know, that last paragraph has too many antiseptic euphemisms – words like “affair” and “met”. If I am going to face what I did, I need to keep it real. So I will rewrite that paragraph in a more honest manner.
It is Wednesday night. When I was committing adultery with Mark, Wednesday was the night when we snuck off and fucked.
We chose Wednesday nights, because I had the perfect excuse to be out of the house. Wednesday night was Bible study night at our church. I told my dear husband that I taught a class to teen girls. The lie was believable because I am a teacher at the school. (Committing adultery quickly teaches you how to be a lying whore.)
Wednesday evenings were always hectic. I had to race home, clean up the house, deal with the baby and my twin girls, and try to get dinner on the table so it would be ready when Jeff got home at around 6:00.
We would have a nice family dinner with four of us around the table and the baby in a highchair. As the spiritual leader of the home, Jeff would say grace and asked the Lord to bless my ministry tonight. I would secretly pray that the Lord would bless my orgasms tonight.
I know that sounds terrible and it is. I found that trying to be a good Christian woman while engaging in adultery creates an extreme form of cognitive dissonance. In psychological terms, I had to assume another personality. In spiritual terms I had to accept a demonic influence.
So when I looked at my young daughters at the table, I was able to smile and say silently in my head – “Be good for daddy. While Daddy is helping you with your homework and getting you ready for school the next day, Mommy will be spreading her legs for a strange man.”
Then I would look at my baby and think – “While the man that you think is your daddy is changing your diapers, I will be sucking your real daddy’s cock.”
After dinner I would hurry and shower and get dressed. I would change into a slutty bra and panties that were hidden under my conservative skirt and blouse.
I always kissed my husband goodbye and told him that I love him dearly.
On the highway I would drive past the church and head to the Hilton Hotel. My panties would be soaked by the time I arrived at the hotel. Mark would always have a hotel room key waiting for me at the front desk.
Over the weeks, the desk staff started to recognize me. For the first few weeks their smirks embarrassed me. They knew why I was there. And I could feel their eyes looking up and down my body.
At first the stares and leers of the front desk employees bothered me. But when I realized there was nothing I could do to avoid their leering eyes, I decided just to embrace it. Over the weeks I started to partially unbutton my blouse to show them my cleavage. At times I would show up wearing a sheer blouse without a bra. The guys at the front desk seemed to be very happy to come in. :-)
Usually Mark did not ejaculate inside of me. He would pull out and turn me around. I would watch as his semen splattered on my chest and drip down my breasts.
A shower was next on the agenda. Mark said this was important so I didn’t leave my smell on him. I would soap him up and clean him. By that time he was usually hard again, so I would get on my knees and give him oral sex. Once I tasted his warm semen in my mouth, I would swallow. And that ended the shower.
There was little after sex talk. There never was any cuddling. We simply dressed and left. This routine continued week after week with very little variation.
When I got home the kids were usually asleep. Jeff was always up waiting for me even though he had to work the following morning. If I was real late I made up an excuse that I had to counsel some girl in a private session. Jeff was always amazed at my dedication.
When I walked through the front door I would always give Jeff and long and deep kiss. The thought that he might taste some of Mark’s semen amused me.
You know, that last paragraph has too many antiseptic euphemisms – words like “affair” and “met”. If I am going to face what I did, I need to keep it real. So I will rewrite that paragraph in a more honest manner.
It is Wednesday night. When I was committing adultery with Mark, Wednesday was the night when we snuck off and fucked.
We chose Wednesday nights, because I had the perfect excuse to be out of the house. Wednesday night was Bible study night at our church. I told my dear husband that I taught a class to teen girls. The lie was believable because I am a teacher at the school. (Committing adultery quickly teaches you how to be a lying whore.)
Wednesday evenings were always hectic. I had to race home, clean up the house, deal with the baby and my twin girls, and try to get dinner on the table so it would be ready when Jeff got home at around 6:00.
We would have a nice family dinner with four of us around the table and the baby in a highchair. As the spiritual leader of the home, Jeff would say grace and asked the Lord to bless my ministry tonight. I would secretly pray that the Lord would bless my orgasms tonight.
I know that sounds terrible and it is. I found that trying to be a good Christian woman while engaging in adultery creates an extreme form of cognitive dissonance. In psychological terms, I had to assume another personality. In spiritual terms I had to accept a demonic influence.
So when I looked at my young daughters at the table, I was able to smile and say silently in my head – “Be good for daddy. While Daddy is helping you with your homework and getting you ready for school the next day, Mommy will be spreading her legs for a strange man.”
Then I would look at my baby and think – “While the man that you think is your daddy is changing your diapers, I will be sucking your real daddy’s cock.”
After dinner I would hurry and shower and get dressed. I would change into a slutty bra and panties that were hidden under my conservative skirt and blouse.
I always kissed my husband goodbye and told him that I love him dearly.
On the highway I would drive past the church and head to the Hilton Hotel. My panties would be soaked by the time I arrived at the hotel. Mark would always have a hotel room key waiting for me at the front desk.
Over the weeks, the desk staff started to recognize me. For the first few weeks their smirks embarrassed me. They knew why I was there. And I could feel their eyes looking up and down my body.
At first the stares and leers of the front desk employees bothered me. But when I realized there was nothing I could do to avoid their leering eyes, I decided just to embrace it. Over the weeks I started to partially unbutton my blouse to show them my cleavage. At times I would show up wearing a sheer blouse without a bra. The guys at the front desk seemed to be very happy to come in. :-)
I always arrived at the room before Mark. While Mark could be nice, he frequently was violent when he got upset. And waiting for anything upset Mark.
While waiting for Mark I would read the Bible. In my mind I figured that this would allow me to be telling the truth when I told Jeff I was at Bible Study.
I never knew when Mark would arrive. Sometimes I only had to wait 5 minutes. Other times I would have for hours. On a few occasions he did not show at all. He never bothered to call one way or the other. That would be a courtesy he didn’t think he had to extend to me.
When Mark did arrive, we followed a set pattern. I would pour Mark a drink of Scotch as he settled in a chair. Invariably he was on the phone with someone talking business. I would massage his shoulders as he talked on the phone.
When he was through with business, we rarely spoke. We had nothing much to say to each other. He would tell me to undress. He would watch me strip as he sipped his drink. When I was naked I would stand in front of him and offer him a breast to suck. He was never gentle. It usually hurt, but it also felt good. When he was done sucking my breasts he would sit back in his chair. I would get on my knees and unzip his pants and start to suck his large cock.
Invariably that is when he would make a call to his wife, Lisa. While I was sucking his cock, he would tell her that he was working late. And that he loved her. And that he missed her.
When the call was over that was my cue to get face down on the carpet. I would close my eyes and wait in anticipation. Usually I would not have to wait long until I felt his cock enter me. He was never gentle or tender. He always fucked me hard in the doggy style position.
Mark has incredible stamina. While my husband is lucky to last two minutes, Mark would frequently fuck me hard for an hour. I usually reached multiple orgasms. As hard as I tried to maintain control, I would invariable end up shaking, moaning, screaming and crying.
While waiting for Mark I would read the Bible. In my mind I figured that this would allow me to be telling the truth when I told Jeff I was at Bible Study.
I never knew when Mark would arrive. Sometimes I only had to wait 5 minutes. Other times I would have for hours. On a few occasions he did not show at all. He never bothered to call one way or the other. That would be a courtesy he didn’t think he had to extend to me.
When Mark did arrive, we followed a set pattern. I would pour Mark a drink of Scotch as he settled in a chair. Invariably he was on the phone with someone talking business. I would massage his shoulders as he talked on the phone.
When he was through with business, we rarely spoke. We had nothing much to say to each other. He would tell me to undress. He would watch me strip as he sipped his drink. When I was naked I would stand in front of him and offer him a breast to suck. He was never gentle. It usually hurt, but it also felt good. When he was done sucking my breasts he would sit back in his chair. I would get on my knees and unzip his pants and start to suck his large cock.
Invariably that is when he would make a call to his wife, Lisa. While I was sucking his cock, he would tell her that he was working late. And that he loved her. And that he missed her.
When the call was over that was my cue to get face down on the carpet. I would close my eyes and wait in anticipation. Usually I would not have to wait long until I felt his cock enter me. He was never gentle or tender. He always fucked me hard in the doggy style position.
Mark has incredible stamina. While my husband is lucky to last two minutes, Mark would frequently fuck me hard for an hour. I usually reached multiple orgasms. As hard as I tried to maintain control, I would invariable end up shaking, moaning, screaming and crying.
Usually Mark did not ejaculate inside of me. He would pull out and turn me around. I would watch as his semen splattered on my chest and drip down my breasts.
A shower was next on the agenda. Mark said this was important so I didn’t leave my smell on him. I would soap him up and clean him. By that time he was usually hard again, so I would get on my knees and give him oral sex. Once I tasted his warm semen in my mouth, I would swallow. And that ended the shower.
There was little after sex talk. There never was any cuddling. We simply dressed and left. This routine continued week after week with very little variation.
When I got home the kids were usually asleep. Jeff was always up waiting for me even though he had to work the following morning. If I was real late I made up an excuse that I had to counsel some girl in a private session. Jeff was always amazed at my dedication.
When I walked through the front door I would always give Jeff and long and deep kiss. The thought that he might taste some of Mark’s semen amused me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My Secret Crush
I first saw him in a Starbucks two weeks ago as I was getting my morning coffee before school. The first thing I noticed was how tall he was. He had to be 6’4”. He was dressed in what looked to be a tailor suit. He looked to be a clean cut business man in his 30s. His hair was blonde and his skin was fair. My heart started to pitter-patter like I was a school girl with a crush. He was beautiful.
The next morning I decided to get another coffee at the same time. Spending money on a Starbucks coffee seems like a silly indulgence in the best of times. But with my husband out of a job, I knew I had to count my pennies. But, then again, since I am making the money I deserve a little indulgence from time to time.
When I arrived the next morning, he just happened to be sitting at a table with his coffee and a copy of the Wall Street Journal. He was talking on his cell phone.
I got my coffee and sat at a table across from him. I had a little time before I had to be at school. And I could use the time to look at my lesson plan. So I pulled out my lesson plan and tried to focus on it. But for some reason my eyes kept darting up to this beautiful man.
In my mind I tried to guess who he was and what he did. I knew he was successful. And he wore a wedding ring. Was he happily married? Did he have children? These were the questions that went through my mind.
I also had more erotic questions. What did he look like naked? What would his cock feel like inside me?
For two weeks he was my morning eye candy. My secret crush. He was always so involved with his work, I figured he never noticed me.
Yesterday morning I looked up from my papers, and I saw that he was looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes. Our eyes briefly met. I felt myself blush and I looked down. Damn it, why do I have to be so shy?
Last night I could not sleep as my husband was snoring loudly. And my thoughts were on that beautiful blonde haired man. I imagined him taking me by the hand and whisking me away to a hotel room. I imagined his tongue running down my naked body. Sleep did not come for hours.
This morning my angel was there again. Unlike my dreams, he did not take me by my hand and whisk me away. But he did glance at me! A few minutes later he picked up his paper and walked out talking on his phone.
I am too shy to ever say anything. So he will always just be my secret crush. But that is OK. It makes my mornings happy.
The next morning I decided to get another coffee at the same time. Spending money on a Starbucks coffee seems like a silly indulgence in the best of times. But with my husband out of a job, I knew I had to count my pennies. But, then again, since I am making the money I deserve a little indulgence from time to time.
When I arrived the next morning, he just happened to be sitting at a table with his coffee and a copy of the Wall Street Journal. He was talking on his cell phone.
I got my coffee and sat at a table across from him. I had a little time before I had to be at school. And I could use the time to look at my lesson plan. So I pulled out my lesson plan and tried to focus on it. But for some reason my eyes kept darting up to this beautiful man.
In my mind I tried to guess who he was and what he did. I knew he was successful. And he wore a wedding ring. Was he happily married? Did he have children? These were the questions that went through my mind.
I also had more erotic questions. What did he look like naked? What would his cock feel like inside me?
For two weeks he was my morning eye candy. My secret crush. He was always so involved with his work, I figured he never noticed me.
Yesterday morning I looked up from my papers, and I saw that he was looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes. Our eyes briefly met. I felt myself blush and I looked down. Damn it, why do I have to be so shy?
Last night I could not sleep as my husband was snoring loudly. And my thoughts were on that beautiful blonde haired man. I imagined him taking me by the hand and whisking me away to a hotel room. I imagined his tongue running down my naked body. Sleep did not come for hours.
This morning my angel was there again. Unlike my dreams, he did not take me by my hand and whisk me away. But he did glance at me! A few minutes later he picked up his paper and walked out talking on his phone.
I am too shy to ever say anything. So he will always just be my secret crush. But that is OK. It makes my mornings happy.
Late Night Text Messaging
me: Mark. You have a sec, we need to talk.
Markxxxxx: hey, look who is there! Do I know you?
me: I am not in the mood to play games. Do you have a minute to talk?
Markxxxxx: Not really. Why don’t you give me a ring?
me: no… we can talk on here. I don’t want to hear your voice.
Markxxxxx: well, I guess you are out of luck. Cause I need to run.
me: quit being such an asshole. Just give me 10 mins.
Markxxxxx: I will give you 5 mins. Better get talking.
me: Yeah, I know you are so busy. XXXXX’s birthday was last week. And you didn’t even send a card.
Markxxxxx: YOU told me you wanted me out of your and his life. Remember? So why the fuck are you now talking to me?
me: Jesus… he is your son! You have no feelings for him?
Markxxxxx: And how do I know he is mine? Maybe he is not.
me: You are such a fucking asshole. Really, you are the one person in this world that I truly hate.
Markxxxxx: Awwww… I love it how you sweet talk me.
me: Anyway, forget it. I was stupid. I thought you might care that your son is facing a financial disaster. Thanks to you.
Markxxxxx: You are right. I don’t care. And how is your financial disaster my fault?
me: You know why. You got rid of Jeff once I broke it off between us.
Markxxxxx: Jeff is a useless slug. That had nothing to do with us.
me: That is bullshit, and you know it is.
Markxxxxx: I don’t have to explain myself to you. What is it you want from me?
me: I want you to show some decency and hire Jeff back.
Markxxxxx: Not going to happen.
me: I am not asking you to do it for Jeff or me. Just do it for your son.
Markxxxxx: I already told you No. Are you done?
me: Mark, please. I never have asked anything from you. I think I have been more than accommodating over the years based on our situation. You don’t understand what I bad situation I am in. Do you want me to get on my knees and beg?
Markxxxxx: I have rather fond memories of you on your knees.
me: I guess it is pointless to talk to you.
Markxxxxx: I tell you what. Let’s hook up for drinks next week and we can discuss this more in detail. I can’t make any promises but I will see what I can do.
me: You know I can’t see you anymore.
Markxxxxx: Then I guess our conversation is over.
Markxxxxx: hey, look who is there! Do I know you?
me: I am not in the mood to play games. Do you have a minute to talk?
Markxxxxx: Not really. Why don’t you give me a ring?
me: no… we can talk on here. I don’t want to hear your voice.
Markxxxxx: well, I guess you are out of luck. Cause I need to run.
me: quit being such an asshole. Just give me 10 mins.
Markxxxxx: I will give you 5 mins. Better get talking.
me: Yeah, I know you are so busy. XXXXX’s birthday was last week. And you didn’t even send a card.
Markxxxxx: YOU told me you wanted me out of your and his life. Remember? So why the fuck are you now talking to me?
me: Jesus… he is your son! You have no feelings for him?
Markxxxxx: And how do I know he is mine? Maybe he is not.
me: You are such a fucking asshole. Really, you are the one person in this world that I truly hate.
Markxxxxx: Awwww… I love it how you sweet talk me.
me: Anyway, forget it. I was stupid. I thought you might care that your son is facing a financial disaster. Thanks to you.
Markxxxxx: You are right. I don’t care. And how is your financial disaster my fault?
me: You know why. You got rid of Jeff once I broke it off between us.
Markxxxxx: Jeff is a useless slug. That had nothing to do with us.
me: That is bullshit, and you know it is.
Markxxxxx: I don’t have to explain myself to you. What is it you want from me?
me: I want you to show some decency and hire Jeff back.
Markxxxxx: Not going to happen.
me: I am not asking you to do it for Jeff or me. Just do it for your son.
Markxxxxx: I already told you No. Are you done?
me: Mark, please. I never have asked anything from you. I think I have been more than accommodating over the years based on our situation. You don’t understand what I bad situation I am in. Do you want me to get on my knees and beg?
Markxxxxx: I have rather fond memories of you on your knees.
me: I guess it is pointless to talk to you.
Markxxxxx: I tell you what. Let’s hook up for drinks next week and we can discuss this more in detail. I can’t make any promises but I will see what I can do.
me: You know I can’t see you anymore.
Markxxxxx: Then I guess our conversation is over.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Late Night Random Thoughts
- I shouldn’t read sex blogs. Just frustrates me.
- I have only had sex with two men in my life
- It has been 5 months since I have had sex
- I can’t stand my husband
- I need to stop blogging. I screwed up and used a real first name.
- I feel I have wasted most of my life
- I feel trapped
- My fantasy is to have sex with a stranger
- Men notice my breasts and I like it… sometimes
- I wish I didn’t have so much guilt
- I miss Mark
- I hate Mark
- I like tall men
- I like older men
- I love Pastor Karl in a way that is hard to explain
- I over analyze everything
- I don’t think anyone loves me in the world
- God no longer speaks to me
- I blush easily
- I am a natural red head
- Fall is my favorite season
- My favorite sexual position is doggy style
- People say I need to eat more
- I have only had sex with two men in my life
- It has been 5 months since I have had sex
- I can’t stand my husband
- I need to stop blogging. I screwed up and used a real first name.
- I feel I have wasted most of my life
- I feel trapped
- My fantasy is to have sex with a stranger
- Men notice my breasts and I like it… sometimes
- I wish I didn’t have so much guilt
- I miss Mark
- I hate Mark
- I like tall men
- I like older men
- I love Pastor Karl in a way that is hard to explain
- I over analyze everything
- I don’t think anyone loves me in the world
- God no longer speaks to me
- I blush easily
- I am a natural red head
- Fall is my favorite season
- My favorite sexual position is doggy style
- People say I need to eat more
In Defense of Pastor Karl
This was originally a response to Hosea in the comments section to the post below. But as it grew quite lengthy, I thought I would just make it a post. I feel I need to do this because I am worried I am how showing Pastor Karl (not his real name) in the proper light. Anyway, here was my response.
Part of the issue is that I see the world in both secular and spiritual terms. And many times the spiritual seems unreasonable or even crazy to those who have a different faith or world view.
If I should view the incident with Pastor Karl through a secular lens, I agree that his actions were inappropriate. I understand the proper counseling protocol. And if such a thing happened with another counselor (such as with the associate pastor) I would have immediately reported it. I am hardly a weak woman.
I did attend the traditional counseling and it was quite proper and professional. However, it was not effective. And I believe it was not effective because I was dealing with a spiritual, not a psychological, issue.
A little background – Pastor Karl has been my spiritual father since I was a teenager. Though his influence and teachers I was able to avoid the temptation of sex and drugs. How many other girls can say that?
My entire university costs were covered by a church scholarship. When I graduated, Pastor Karl was generous enough to have a teaching position for me. I owe much of my success in life to him.
And how do I thank him? I have an illicit affair that threatens to embarrass the entire church and school. Pastor Karl did not cause me to have that affair. That was my choice.
When I revealed my sin to the Church I knew I was taking a risk. Based on my contract the school is well within its rights to terminate me based on a morals clause. I am sure that would have been the easiest and safest choice. But Pastor Karl and his staff decided to work with me and not throw me out on the street. Such an action would have left my family with NO income.
And did Pastor Karl initially choose to see me? No. If his motive was sexual, he could have easily scheduled a meeting with me immediately. But instead I went through traditional counseling. Was it Pastor Karl’s fault that counseling was not effective? No. It was my own hard heartedness.
When I cancelled my remaining sessions, the school again was within its rights to get rid of me. Part of my agreement to stay on after the revelation of my sin was that I would attend mandatory counseling. I did not uphold my end of the agreement.
Showing the patience of Job, Pastor Karl still did not give up on me. He agreed to oversee my fasting and prayer regiment personally. He is a busy man with many important responsibilities, but he cared enough about me to spend time with me.
Now comes some more spiritual stuff that may seem strange to people of another faith. But I was raised believing in literal angles and demons. So while this may seem whacky to some people, it is real to me.
I believe that my sexual sin opened the door for me coming under demonic influence. And, no, I don’t mean I was possessed like the girl in the Exorcist. But I do believe demonic forces influenced my thinking and actions.
Pastor Karl is a great man of God. He has done much to expand God’s kingdom. As such, such a man will frequently receive attacks from the Devil, with the goal to destroy or discredit his ministry.
In hindsight, I believe that I was a pawn in Satan’s plan to attack Pastor Karl. Even Mark’s initial violation of me might have been part of the greater overall plan, knowing that it would lead to me tempting Pastor Karl three years in the future.
So when I entered his office, I was not a “helpless” woman. I believe I was lead there to destroy Pastor Karl and his ministry. I was the serpent, not the victim.
Of course, I was temporarily blinded at the time. I honestly did not see the underlying motivation for my actions. For example, why did I choose to wear a sheer blouse? What did I choose to wear a short skirt? Why did I choose not to wear panties? I NEVER dress like that. I always dress very modestly. And yet I chose to dress like that without even being consciously aware of what I was doing. That can only be explained through the spiritual.
So when I had my “breakthrough” and claimed to be delivered from lust, Pastor Karl could see through my self-delusion. Instead of arguing the point with me (which would have been pointless), he decided to give me a test so I could see my self-delusion with my own eyes.
And what better way to show me my folly than to start to unbutton my blouse. For if I had been truly set free from lust, I would have immediately jumped up and stopped him. But I sat on my knees passively without objection as I allowed a married man to unbuttoned my blouse. And each button that was removed illustrated how far I was from God. When my blouse dropped to the floor, I no longer had any illusions.
And his asking me to remove my bra was not an attempt to get a cheap sexual thrill, but to force me to “get real” about my situation. I could have put my blouse back on and imagined myself to be a sweet, innocent girl who was taken advantaged by the mean, old man. That would have been the easy action to take. Instead he challenged my faith.
I am reminded of the story in which God asked Abraham to go up the mountain and prepare to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Sometimes we may be asked to do things that initially do not make sense, but we need faith.
So it was an act of faith when I removed my bra. Immediately my eyes were opened of the demonic nature of my actions. I was no longer self-deluded. Satan has sent me there to seduce Pastor Karl. I fully expected and wanted him to fuck me at that moment. My nipples were erect because I was in a hyper-sexual state.
And yet he resisted the temptation. How many men in such a situation would have done that? Not many.
So Pastor Karl did not degrade me. He simply showed how Satan had degraded me.
My respect and admiration for Pastor Karl is hard to describe. He is the only one in this world that I trust completely.
Part of the issue is that I see the world in both secular and spiritual terms. And many times the spiritual seems unreasonable or even crazy to those who have a different faith or world view.
If I should view the incident with Pastor Karl through a secular lens, I agree that his actions were inappropriate. I understand the proper counseling protocol. And if such a thing happened with another counselor (such as with the associate pastor) I would have immediately reported it. I am hardly a weak woman.
I did attend the traditional counseling and it was quite proper and professional. However, it was not effective. And I believe it was not effective because I was dealing with a spiritual, not a psychological, issue.
A little background – Pastor Karl has been my spiritual father since I was a teenager. Though his influence and teachers I was able to avoid the temptation of sex and drugs. How many other girls can say that?
My entire university costs were covered by a church scholarship. When I graduated, Pastor Karl was generous enough to have a teaching position for me. I owe much of my success in life to him.
And how do I thank him? I have an illicit affair that threatens to embarrass the entire church and school. Pastor Karl did not cause me to have that affair. That was my choice.
When I revealed my sin to the Church I knew I was taking a risk. Based on my contract the school is well within its rights to terminate me based on a morals clause. I am sure that would have been the easiest and safest choice. But Pastor Karl and his staff decided to work with me and not throw me out on the street. Such an action would have left my family with NO income.
And did Pastor Karl initially choose to see me? No. If his motive was sexual, he could have easily scheduled a meeting with me immediately. But instead I went through traditional counseling. Was it Pastor Karl’s fault that counseling was not effective? No. It was my own hard heartedness.
When I cancelled my remaining sessions, the school again was within its rights to get rid of me. Part of my agreement to stay on after the revelation of my sin was that I would attend mandatory counseling. I did not uphold my end of the agreement.
Showing the patience of Job, Pastor Karl still did not give up on me. He agreed to oversee my fasting and prayer regiment personally. He is a busy man with many important responsibilities, but he cared enough about me to spend time with me.
Now comes some more spiritual stuff that may seem strange to people of another faith. But I was raised believing in literal angles and demons. So while this may seem whacky to some people, it is real to me.
I believe that my sexual sin opened the door for me coming under demonic influence. And, no, I don’t mean I was possessed like the girl in the Exorcist. But I do believe demonic forces influenced my thinking and actions.
Pastor Karl is a great man of God. He has done much to expand God’s kingdom. As such, such a man will frequently receive attacks from the Devil, with the goal to destroy or discredit his ministry.
In hindsight, I believe that I was a pawn in Satan’s plan to attack Pastor Karl. Even Mark’s initial violation of me might have been part of the greater overall plan, knowing that it would lead to me tempting Pastor Karl three years in the future.
So when I entered his office, I was not a “helpless” woman. I believe I was lead there to destroy Pastor Karl and his ministry. I was the serpent, not the victim.
Of course, I was temporarily blinded at the time. I honestly did not see the underlying motivation for my actions. For example, why did I choose to wear a sheer blouse? What did I choose to wear a short skirt? Why did I choose not to wear panties? I NEVER dress like that. I always dress very modestly. And yet I chose to dress like that without even being consciously aware of what I was doing. That can only be explained through the spiritual.
So when I had my “breakthrough” and claimed to be delivered from lust, Pastor Karl could see through my self-delusion. Instead of arguing the point with me (which would have been pointless), he decided to give me a test so I could see my self-delusion with my own eyes.
And what better way to show me my folly than to start to unbutton my blouse. For if I had been truly set free from lust, I would have immediately jumped up and stopped him. But I sat on my knees passively without objection as I allowed a married man to unbuttoned my blouse. And each button that was removed illustrated how far I was from God. When my blouse dropped to the floor, I no longer had any illusions.
And his asking me to remove my bra was not an attempt to get a cheap sexual thrill, but to force me to “get real” about my situation. I could have put my blouse back on and imagined myself to be a sweet, innocent girl who was taken advantaged by the mean, old man. That would have been the easy action to take. Instead he challenged my faith.
I am reminded of the story in which God asked Abraham to go up the mountain and prepare to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Sometimes we may be asked to do things that initially do not make sense, but we need faith.
So it was an act of faith when I removed my bra. Immediately my eyes were opened of the demonic nature of my actions. I was no longer self-deluded. Satan has sent me there to seduce Pastor Karl. I fully expected and wanted him to fuck me at that moment. My nipples were erect because I was in a hyper-sexual state.
And yet he resisted the temptation. How many men in such a situation would have done that? Not many.
So Pastor Karl did not degrade me. He simply showed how Satan had degraded me.
My respect and admiration for Pastor Karl is hard to describe. He is the only one in this world that I trust completely.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Faith and Temptation
I have discovered that nothing can shake the notion of the type of person you are than committing adultery. And adultery is one of the most selfish acts a person can commit. Obviously adultery is a violation of your spouse, but it also a violation of many more people. When you fuck another married man, you are also metaphorically fucking over your husband, your kids, the other man’s wife and his kids. In many ways a physical assault would be more kind than breaching a marriage vow.
A little background
I was raised in an evangelic Christian environment. I attended a Christian school. And I was a “good” girl. I was devout in my faith and I was active in choir and the youth ministries.
I was a virgin when I married at the age of 22. While I know that is unusual, I believed that sex belonged only in marriage.
Sex with my husband was never passionate or frequent. But I did not care. Sex was not important to me. Only love was important and I found that in my husband.
Then when Mark violated me at the Christmas party, something snapped inside of me. It was as if I lost God and I became demonically possessed. In my mind I struggled with lust. And that was eventually manifested with my affair with Mark.
As I wrote previously, I don’t know why I was so sexually attracted to Mark. In many ways I really hate the man. He is not loving. He is not kind. He is not considerate. He abused me both physically and emotionally.
Mark constantly mocked my faith. And he gained sadistic pleasure in urging me to do things that further degraded me. Maybe I will gain the courage to blog about some of these depravities. What disturbed me was that I willing participated in such activities. I am not sure God can ever forgive me.
Counseling
In an attempt to redeem my soul, I attended spiritual counseling at my church. (I need to be careful I don’t reveal too many details on this blog. So I will attempt to be as vague as possible so people won’t be able to figure out the church.)
I attend a mega church. The church also has an associated school. I teach at the school. When I was a child, I attended the church and the school (it was smaller back then.)
As such, this Church has been my spiritual family since I was a child. The head pastor has been there since I was in high school 20 years ago. He was the man that married Jeff and me. He is very well known in the community and admired as a man of Faith and Conviction. He has been blessed with a large family of kids and grandkids.
An associated pastor was assigned to my counseling. I was assured it would be treated with strict confidentiality as I teach at the school. So I gathered up my courage and made my first appointment.
I explained my fears that I had lost my salvation. I also admitted that I had been unfaithful. I was too shy to provide details as to the depths I had fallen.
I attended five sessions, but I did not see much progress. The counselor was OK, but he seemed to just say the usual platitudes. I got discouraged and told the counselor that I would cancel the remaining sessions. Then Pastor Karl (not his real name) called me. He asked if I was filling to go through a special prayer and fasting regiment. Of course, I said yes.
Pastor Karl
Pastor Karl was always a spiritual father to me since I knew him when I was in High School. Throughout the years I have known him as a dynamic and charismatic speaker and leader. I always thought he was the most spiritual in tune man on Earth. He had a natural ability to comfort and motivate people. While other people may idolize movie stars, I idolized Pastor Karl.
A year ago the pastor and his wife celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. Some of their children now work for the church and the school. And they have many grandkids. The perfect family.
So I was honored when Pastor Karl asked to oversee my prayer and fasting session. For those of you not familiar with the faith, my church believes that prayer and fasting can be very powerful in combating certain obsessions.
"This kind of demonic problem does not go out except by prayer and fasting." – Mathew 17:21
To be most effective, the five day water fast needs to be conducted with constant prayer and meditation. As I was on summer vacation (and Jeff was out of a job) I was able to dedicate those five days and nights to prayer. I REALLY wanted to be delivered from my lust of Mark.
I arrived at Pastor’s Karl’s office at Noon on Saturday. From what I have heard, these prayer sessions usually last 2 or 3 hours.
Well, I prayed for 3 hours and I felt nothing. I could not feel God speaking to me. During this whole time Pastor Karl was beside me. I felt guilty keeping him so long, but he told me not to worry that we will pray as long as needed. The day quickly turned dark. The only breaks I took were for the bathroom to freshen up.
Night came and I could hear the maintenance staff cleaning up and locking the doors. But I still did not feel moved by God. I was growing anxious with my lack of progress.
Pastor Karl encouraged me not to worry about the time and continue in prayer. He said he would stay with me if it took all night to get the breakthrough.
At 11:17 P.M. (there was a digital clock on his desk) the breakthrough came. While on my knees praying I felt God’s love pour through me. I knew I had been redeemed. I broke into uncontrollable sobs and placed my head in Pastor Karl’s lap. He stroked my hair in a loving manner. I knew everything was right in the world. I told him God had redeemed me and I was now free from the temptation of lust.
Then he kissed my gently on the forehead, smiled and unbuttoned the top button of my blouse. At first it did not register what he was doing. In a nonchalant manner he continued to unbutton my blouse as I kneeled before him.
As each button was opened, it was as if a hole was punctured in a water balloon. I could feel years of faith pouring out of my soul. How could a man that I trusted completely over the years violate me in such a manner? When he unbuttoned the last button he removed my blouse. As my blouse fell to the carpet, I could feel God being removed.
A little background
I was raised in an evangelic Christian environment. I attended a Christian school. And I was a “good” girl. I was devout in my faith and I was active in choir and the youth ministries.
I was a virgin when I married at the age of 22. While I know that is unusual, I believed that sex belonged only in marriage.
Sex with my husband was never passionate or frequent. But I did not care. Sex was not important to me. Only love was important and I found that in my husband.
Then when Mark violated me at the Christmas party, something snapped inside of me. It was as if I lost God and I became demonically possessed. In my mind I struggled with lust. And that was eventually manifested with my affair with Mark.
As I wrote previously, I don’t know why I was so sexually attracted to Mark. In many ways I really hate the man. He is not loving. He is not kind. He is not considerate. He abused me both physically and emotionally.
Mark constantly mocked my faith. And he gained sadistic pleasure in urging me to do things that further degraded me. Maybe I will gain the courage to blog about some of these depravities. What disturbed me was that I willing participated in such activities. I am not sure God can ever forgive me.
Counseling
In an attempt to redeem my soul, I attended spiritual counseling at my church. (I need to be careful I don’t reveal too many details on this blog. So I will attempt to be as vague as possible so people won’t be able to figure out the church.)
I attend a mega church. The church also has an associated school. I teach at the school. When I was a child, I attended the church and the school (it was smaller back then.)
As such, this Church has been my spiritual family since I was a child. The head pastor has been there since I was in high school 20 years ago. He was the man that married Jeff and me. He is very well known in the community and admired as a man of Faith and Conviction. He has been blessed with a large family of kids and grandkids.
An associated pastor was assigned to my counseling. I was assured it would be treated with strict confidentiality as I teach at the school. So I gathered up my courage and made my first appointment.
I explained my fears that I had lost my salvation. I also admitted that I had been unfaithful. I was too shy to provide details as to the depths I had fallen.
I attended five sessions, but I did not see much progress. The counselor was OK, but he seemed to just say the usual platitudes. I got discouraged and told the counselor that I would cancel the remaining sessions. Then Pastor Karl (not his real name) called me. He asked if I was filling to go through a special prayer and fasting regiment. Of course, I said yes.
Pastor Karl
Pastor Karl was always a spiritual father to me since I knew him when I was in High School. Throughout the years I have known him as a dynamic and charismatic speaker and leader. I always thought he was the most spiritual in tune man on Earth. He had a natural ability to comfort and motivate people. While other people may idolize movie stars, I idolized Pastor Karl.
A year ago the pastor and his wife celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. Some of their children now work for the church and the school. And they have many grandkids. The perfect family.
So I was honored when Pastor Karl asked to oversee my prayer and fasting session. For those of you not familiar with the faith, my church believes that prayer and fasting can be very powerful in combating certain obsessions.
"This kind of demonic problem does not go out except by prayer and fasting." – Mathew 17:21
To be most effective, the five day water fast needs to be conducted with constant prayer and meditation. As I was on summer vacation (and Jeff was out of a job) I was able to dedicate those five days and nights to prayer. I REALLY wanted to be delivered from my lust of Mark.
I arrived at Pastor’s Karl’s office at Noon on Saturday. From what I have heard, these prayer sessions usually last 2 or 3 hours.
Well, I prayed for 3 hours and I felt nothing. I could not feel God speaking to me. During this whole time Pastor Karl was beside me. I felt guilty keeping him so long, but he told me not to worry that we will pray as long as needed. The day quickly turned dark. The only breaks I took were for the bathroom to freshen up.
Night came and I could hear the maintenance staff cleaning up and locking the doors. But I still did not feel moved by God. I was growing anxious with my lack of progress.
Pastor Karl encouraged me not to worry about the time and continue in prayer. He said he would stay with me if it took all night to get the breakthrough.
At 11:17 P.M. (there was a digital clock on his desk) the breakthrough came. While on my knees praying I felt God’s love pour through me. I knew I had been redeemed. I broke into uncontrollable sobs and placed my head in Pastor Karl’s lap. He stroked my hair in a loving manner. I knew everything was right in the world. I told him God had redeemed me and I was now free from the temptation of lust.
Then he kissed my gently on the forehead, smiled and unbuttoned the top button of my blouse. At first it did not register what he was doing. In a nonchalant manner he continued to unbutton my blouse as I kneeled before him.
As each button was opened, it was as if a hole was punctured in a water balloon. I could feel years of faith pouring out of my soul. How could a man that I trusted completely over the years violate me in such a manner? When he unbuttoned the last button he removed my blouse. As my blouse fell to the carpet, I could feel God being removed.
I was on my knees before him wearing only a bra on top. I will always remember this conversation,
Pastor Karl: Why did you let me remove your blouse?
Me: I don’t know.
Pastor Karl: I believe it is because Satan sent you here to tempt me as he sent Bathsheba to tempt David.
Me: No! I love God. I want his forgiveness.
Pastor Karl: If you loved God you wouldn’t use your body to tempt me. And you have always deliberately tempted men with your body since you were a student here.
Me: No. I just want to do good and be good.
Pastor Karl: Well, we both know that is a lie. You are an adulterer. And you came in my office dressed immodestly with a sheer blouse. I could see your bra through that blouse.
We are all sinners. And I don’t expect perfect people to be on my staff. But I don’t tolerate liars.
You have two choices. 1) You can be a liar and put your blouse back on and claim you love God. 2) Or you can be honest and remove your bra. And admit Satan sent you here to seduce me.
I wanted more than anything to put by blouse back on. And I did love God. I wanted to be a good and moral person. But was I lying to myself?
I thought of all I had done in past few years - the lies, the sexual immorality with Mark. In a moment of sudden clarity I realized Pastor Karl was right, I was depraved. Satan was leading me.
But I did not want to seduce Pastor Karl. He was my spiritual father for all this years. I admired his leadership and charisma. But I never thought of him sexually. Or did I?
I looked up at the face of Pastor Karl. I had known that face for 20 years. He was now in his 60s and slightly balding. While not particularly handsome, he radiated a sense of power. And I found that power to be intoxicating.
At that point I did not care about right or wrong. I only knew that I trusted this man completed. He was man of God. I needed to put actions to demonstrate my faith in him. He had a plan to bring about good. So I removed my bra. My nipples were erect. I looked down at the carpet in shame.
I felt his hand gently lift my chin so that my eyes met his. I swore that his blue eyes could penetrate into my soul.
“Did Satan send you here to seduce me?” he whispered.
I answered yes. And I knew my answer was true. Until that moment I had always played the victim and never took responsibility for my actions. I felt tears going down my face. Pastor Karl gently wiped my tears away.
“Now you understand the depth of your depravity. Only now can you start to heal,” he said.
He then kissed me in a grandfatherly way on the forehead. He pulled me gently on his lap and I curled up like a kitten. Pastor Karl held me and caressed my hair for 30 minutes. I felt the love of God return.
Aftermath
Over the weeks that followed, I often thought of that prayer session with Pastor Karl. While I know his method might raise a few eyebrows, I truly believe that he was led by God to provide me with a couple of lessons.
The first lesson is that it is possible to be tempted but not yield to temptation. Pastor Karl had a half-naked woman on his lap that admitted she was trying to seduce him. I could tell that he was physically aroused (I could feel his erection.) However, he did not yield to the temptation. He demonstrated how a person of faith can pass a test. And how I don’t have any excuse to yielding to temptation.
The second lesson was that is demonstrated how I was not such a good and moral woman. I liked to play the victim and blame other for my moral failure. I blame Mark for raping me at the Christmas party all those years ago. But I played my part in leading him on.
I have not spoken in private with Pastor Karl since that incident. But when we look at each other, I can tell of the bond between us.
I am struggling with my faith. Can I be like Pastor Karl and be tempted without yielding? I don’t know.
Pastor Karl: Why did you let me remove your blouse?
Me: I don’t know.
Pastor Karl: I believe it is because Satan sent you here to tempt me as he sent Bathsheba to tempt David.
Me: No! I love God. I want his forgiveness.
Pastor Karl: If you loved God you wouldn’t use your body to tempt me. And you have always deliberately tempted men with your body since you were a student here.
Me: No. I just want to do good and be good.
Pastor Karl: Well, we both know that is a lie. You are an adulterer. And you came in my office dressed immodestly with a sheer blouse. I could see your bra through that blouse.
We are all sinners. And I don’t expect perfect people to be on my staff. But I don’t tolerate liars.
You have two choices. 1) You can be a liar and put your blouse back on and claim you love God. 2) Or you can be honest and remove your bra. And admit Satan sent you here to seduce me.
I wanted more than anything to put by blouse back on. And I did love God. I wanted to be a good and moral person. But was I lying to myself?
I thought of all I had done in past few years - the lies, the sexual immorality with Mark. In a moment of sudden clarity I realized Pastor Karl was right, I was depraved. Satan was leading me.
But I did not want to seduce Pastor Karl. He was my spiritual father for all this years. I admired his leadership and charisma. But I never thought of him sexually. Or did I?
I looked up at the face of Pastor Karl. I had known that face for 20 years. He was now in his 60s and slightly balding. While not particularly handsome, he radiated a sense of power. And I found that power to be intoxicating.
At that point I did not care about right or wrong. I only knew that I trusted this man completed. He was man of God. I needed to put actions to demonstrate my faith in him. He had a plan to bring about good. So I removed my bra. My nipples were erect. I looked down at the carpet in shame.
I felt his hand gently lift my chin so that my eyes met his. I swore that his blue eyes could penetrate into my soul.
“Did Satan send you here to seduce me?” he whispered.
I answered yes. And I knew my answer was true. Until that moment I had always played the victim and never took responsibility for my actions. I felt tears going down my face. Pastor Karl gently wiped my tears away.
“Now you understand the depth of your depravity. Only now can you start to heal,” he said.
He then kissed me in a grandfatherly way on the forehead. He pulled me gently on his lap and I curled up like a kitten. Pastor Karl held me and caressed my hair for 30 minutes. I felt the love of God return.
Aftermath
Over the weeks that followed, I often thought of that prayer session with Pastor Karl. While I know his method might raise a few eyebrows, I truly believe that he was led by God to provide me with a couple of lessons.
The first lesson is that it is possible to be tempted but not yield to temptation. Pastor Karl had a half-naked woman on his lap that admitted she was trying to seduce him. I could tell that he was physically aroused (I could feel his erection.) However, he did not yield to the temptation. He demonstrated how a person of faith can pass a test. And how I don’t have any excuse to yielding to temptation.
The second lesson was that is demonstrated how I was not such a good and moral woman. I liked to play the victim and blame other for my moral failure. I blame Mark for raping me at the Christmas party all those years ago. But I played my part in leading him on.
I have not spoken in private with Pastor Karl since that incident. But when we look at each other, I can tell of the bond between us.
I am struggling with my faith. Can I be like Pastor Karl and be tempted without yielding? I don’t know.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thoughts while sitting in cat vomit
I fell when I got home from school yesterday.
I arrived home late after attending the start of the year parent and teacher conferences. I was exhausted and crabby. I could only imagine taking a hot shower and curling up in bed with a book. That was not to be.
As I entered the front door, I felt my foot slip from underneath me. Some sort of fluid was on the floor. I fell in an undignified manner landing on my butt. My hand landed in the warm liquid. It took me to register that it was cat vomit.
In the living room I could see my delightful, balding husband sitting on the couch looking at the TV intently. Screams and explosions emanated from the television. He was playing some video game.
Even though I was still on my butt, I could see the house was a mess. Dirty dishes and glasses were on the floor and various tables. Toys littered the floor. And a pair of dirty socks was in the middle of all of this mess.
Oh, did I mention that my husband no longer has a job? He was laid off last April. The unemployment is soon to run out and he has no prospects. The fact that we will be unable to make the house payments on my comically small salary seems to be of no particular concern to him. He plays video games while I work.
My husband was laid off immediately after I ended the affair with Mark. Of course, I am sure it is just a coincidence. Yeah… right.
I get mad at Jeff, but I know I am to blame. I would apologize, what would I say? “Sorry you got laid off sweetie. But it was not your fault. Your boss just fired you to get back at me because I decided to stop fucking him. Sorry it ruined your career. “
So I got off my butt, and forced a smile behind my tears. I cleaned the house up and was able to finally take my shower late at night. Even though I was exhausted, I could not sleep.
I have never met a man as cruel and vindictive as Mark. Why must he continue to torment me? If he hates me that is OK - I will accept that as my price of penance. But doesn’t he realize that getting rid of Jeff also hurts his biological son? We are headed towards a financial disaster. Doesn’t this man have ANY heart?
I have not contacted Mark since April. But now I am thinking of contacting him and asking if he could bring Jeff back. I know it has usually been a mistake to contact Mark. But if I just sent an e-mail or an instant message, maybe it would be OK. If he wants me to grovel I will grovel. But he is not only hurting me, he is hurting his son.
I arrived home late after attending the start of the year parent and teacher conferences. I was exhausted and crabby. I could only imagine taking a hot shower and curling up in bed with a book. That was not to be.
As I entered the front door, I felt my foot slip from underneath me. Some sort of fluid was on the floor. I fell in an undignified manner landing on my butt. My hand landed in the warm liquid. It took me to register that it was cat vomit.
In the living room I could see my delightful, balding husband sitting on the couch looking at the TV intently. Screams and explosions emanated from the television. He was playing some video game.
Even though I was still on my butt, I could see the house was a mess. Dirty dishes and glasses were on the floor and various tables. Toys littered the floor. And a pair of dirty socks was in the middle of all of this mess.
Oh, did I mention that my husband no longer has a job? He was laid off last April. The unemployment is soon to run out and he has no prospects. The fact that we will be unable to make the house payments on my comically small salary seems to be of no particular concern to him. He plays video games while I work.
My husband was laid off immediately after I ended the affair with Mark. Of course, I am sure it is just a coincidence. Yeah… right.
I get mad at Jeff, but I know I am to blame. I would apologize, what would I say? “Sorry you got laid off sweetie. But it was not your fault. Your boss just fired you to get back at me because I decided to stop fucking him. Sorry it ruined your career. “
So I got off my butt, and forced a smile behind my tears. I cleaned the house up and was able to finally take my shower late at night. Even though I was exhausted, I could not sleep.
I have never met a man as cruel and vindictive as Mark. Why must he continue to torment me? If he hates me that is OK - I will accept that as my price of penance. But doesn’t he realize that getting rid of Jeff also hurts his biological son? We are headed towards a financial disaster. Doesn’t this man have ANY heart?
I have not contacted Mark since April. But now I am thinking of contacting him and asking if he could bring Jeff back. I know it has usually been a mistake to contact Mark. But if I just sent an e-mail or an instant message, maybe it would be OK. If he wants me to grovel I will grovel. But he is not only hurting me, he is hurting his son.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Birthday Party
Wow… it has been forever since I have updated this blog.
Since I had my relapse back in April, much has happened. I like that word “relapse” – sounds so much more polite than “being fucked by my lover.” ;-)
I went to counseling at church to help with my problem. I have determined that counseling is basically a waste of time. It is depressing when you realize that the people trying to help you are just as much screwed up as yourself. But the counseling did get me to realize that there is only way to stop having an affair – and that is to just say no. Yeah, I know that sounds trite, but it is true.
So I have been affair free since April! I am not sure if that is on the wagon or off the wagon. But just as a recovering alcoholic describes himself as clean and sober, I have been clean and chaste since April. Yeah me!
My son just turned two last week. I can’t believe how fast time goes by! Almost three years ago, some drunken asshole raped me in my own home during a Christmas party. And because of that senseless act of sex, I am now blowing up animal balloons and putting up dinosaur streamers at a birthday party. God does work in mysterious ways!
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything. It would just have been easier if my husband was the real father. But then my son would have been a different person. And I love him just how he is. I guess that is a paradox. Hurts my brain to think too much about it.
And I should correct myself - my husband is the REAL father. He may not be the biological father, but he is the man that is there for my son.
And despite all his grandiose plans and talk, Mark was never there for his son. He only feigned interest in my son so that he could have an excuse to be around me. He figured that if he was around me he would find a way to have sex with me. And, of course, he was right. So it is actually better that he is now out of the picture. But I am still irritated at him.
As I watched my son at the party, I realized how much he looks like Mark. In my anxious state, I swore that everyone at the party was secretly knew the secret! Of course, very few people really know the truth except for Mark, a counselor and myself.
My counselor did urge that I should tell Jeff the truth that he is not the biological father. But I could not take that step. And it is not that I am scared what would happen to me. Revealing the truth would be a welcome release for me. But I fear the truth would devastate my husband and his relationship with our son. I have already caused enough damage. Do I have the right to cause more just so I can get some therapeutic benefit? What do you guys think?
Since I had my relapse back in April, much has happened. I like that word “relapse” – sounds so much more polite than “being fucked by my lover.” ;-)
I went to counseling at church to help with my problem. I have determined that counseling is basically a waste of time. It is depressing when you realize that the people trying to help you are just as much screwed up as yourself. But the counseling did get me to realize that there is only way to stop having an affair – and that is to just say no. Yeah, I know that sounds trite, but it is true.
So I have been affair free since April! I am not sure if that is on the wagon or off the wagon. But just as a recovering alcoholic describes himself as clean and sober, I have been clean and chaste since April. Yeah me!
My son just turned two last week. I can’t believe how fast time goes by! Almost three years ago, some drunken asshole raped me in my own home during a Christmas party. And because of that senseless act of sex, I am now blowing up animal balloons and putting up dinosaur streamers at a birthday party. God does work in mysterious ways!
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything. It would just have been easier if my husband was the real father. But then my son would have been a different person. And I love him just how he is. I guess that is a paradox. Hurts my brain to think too much about it.
And I should correct myself - my husband is the REAL father. He may not be the biological father, but he is the man that is there for my son.
And despite all his grandiose plans and talk, Mark was never there for his son. He only feigned interest in my son so that he could have an excuse to be around me. He figured that if he was around me he would find a way to have sex with me. And, of course, he was right. So it is actually better that he is now out of the picture. But I am still irritated at him.
As I watched my son at the party, I realized how much he looks like Mark. In my anxious state, I swore that everyone at the party was secretly knew the secret! Of course, very few people really know the truth except for Mark, a counselor and myself.
My counselor did urge that I should tell Jeff the truth that he is not the biological father. But I could not take that step. And it is not that I am scared what would happen to me. Revealing the truth would be a welcome release for me. But I fear the truth would devastate my husband and his relationship with our son. I have already caused enough damage. Do I have the right to cause more just so I can get some therapeutic benefit? What do you guys think?
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