Feelings of Guilt

Wow… I have a follower! I never thought that would happen. Please excuse my rambling thoughts. This blog is mostly a journal that allows me to think through some issues.

I know this sounds cliché, but I never thought I was the type of woman ever to have an affair. My faith has always been important to me. And I suppose I am something of a freak, I actually was a virgin when I married.

My husband (I will call him Jeff) has always been everything I wanted. He is wonderful with the children. He is kind and compassionate. We never argue and he is always supportive of me. He cooks and helps me around the house. In many ways he is a dream husband. And, yet, I had this affair for over two years. What does that say about me?

The man (Mark) I had an affair with is the total opposite of my husband. He is obnoxious and mean spirited. I did not love Mark, In fact, I don’t even like Mark. In many ways I hate him. And, yet, he brought out a dark side of my sexuality that I never knew existed.

Mark was abusive emotionally and physically to me. And, yet, like an alcoholic always goes back to a drink even though he knows it will make him sick, I kept going back to Mark. In many ways I think my affair was an addiction.

Mostly I feel so much guilt. Guilt over my sweet husband. Guilt over my kids. Guilt over Mark’s wife and his kids. But mostly, I have disappointed myself. How could I ever have such low self-esteem that I would allow a man to treat me as his play thing?

Despite my relief of have ending this situation, I find that I still crave him. I hope that feeling goes away.