Crazy family

OK, thought I would give a recap of my wild and wacky blended family. I doubt anyone reads this blog. But just to be safe I will continue to use fake names.

John

My new husband. We married in 2011.

John runs a successful business. And, more importantly, he is the patriarch of the family. He is in charge and I love that. He can be abrasive, but he always tells the truth.

Baby Cody (2)

My baby with John! He is my little joy. My husband thinks I am overly attached to him, and he is probably right. I always have Cody by my side. Cody just had his second birthday. So he is growing up too fast. He is a sweet child.

Jared (6)

Jared is my special child. I am the most protective of Jared because of what he represents.

Jared is the result of my affair with Mark.  No, let me be honest. Jared is the result of Mark raping me that night back in 2006. (there is a blog entry that describes it). I know that shouldn't matter, but it does.

Jared probably deserves a separate post.

Emily and Eve (14)

It is probably not fair to group these together, but that is how it has always been. Emily and Eve are identical twins from my first husband.  Despite looking the similar, they are total opposite in personality. Emily is a quiet and shy girl who excels at academics. Eve is the more social girl who is involved with athletics and cheerleading.

Brian (14)

Brian is John’s son from a previous marriage. He is like the perfect kid. Straight As. Talented athlete who plays baseball and football. Respectful.

Andrew (19)

Another son of John’s. Hopefully. Andrew will move out soon. He attends a community college and spends most of the day locked in his room. He is sullen and hardly says a word to anyone.

Jeff

Leaving my ex-husband was the best thing that has ever happened to him. He lost weight and found a job. And he married a cute Asian lady.

We have both forgiven each other and got over much pain.

I just wrote that I love Jeff as a brother. But that is not true. I love him as a man. We did make two wonderful girls together.

Jeff and his wife frequently come over to visit the girls. They came over and spent Thanksgiving with us. It was nice.

Mark

I have not contacted Mark in three years. Mark is probably the most vile man I have ever known. I agreed not to seek child support for Jared with the understand he stays out of our lives.

I miss him desperately. He is like heroin. Addicting but deadly.

So I am 40! Whoopee!

Wow. So much has changed since my last entry. I doubt anyone still reads this blog. But that is OK with me. This blog is for my benefit anyway.

If anyone one should be reading, I suppose I should get you up-to-date. But describing everything that happened would be a War and Peace size post. So I will keep it short and simple.

I ended both my marriage and my affair. Best decision ever. All that drama behind me. Or so I thought.

I re-married to a nice and normal man. What a relief! He has two teenagers from a previous marriage and I brought in my three kids. Then soon after we got married I had another baby. So he have 6 in the household. Sort of a modern day Brady Bunch minus the wild 60s clothes.

The baby was not exactly planned. We had five kids between us, so it was not like we suddenly had the idea- Hey, let’s add one more!It was an accident. If you call forgetting to buy a condom an accident. I personally call it poor planning. But we were in the heat of the moment and hubby promised he would pull out in time. Yeah. As I felt the semen drip down my leg, I remember thinking to myself that it would be OK. I was in my mid 30s, what are the chances of getting pregnant from a one time thing? Rhetorical question. For me it is 100%.

So I now have four biological children and two step kids. And the four kids have three different father. Or I guess they are now called “baby daddys”. Two from my first marriage, one from my affair and the last from my current husband. That is one thing I am good at - getting pregnant.

I know I sound like a total slut. But I have only had sex with three men. Basically, if a penis gets in me, I am getting pregnant.

But enough about the past. Why did I stop blogging? Because I ended my affair and found a new husband. Life was good with no major issues. No bad marriage. No guilt and secrecy of an affair. Just frequent sex with my husband. A normal life.At least I assume that is how it is.

So I was happy and content. Naturally drama would return. It always does.

40 years old

I turned 40 last year. A 40 year old woman with four kids. Yeah…let’s be honest, game over.

I don’t want to brag. On second thought, why not? This is my blog. I used to be cute. I mean really cute. Men would look at me. I had a small waist and nice breasts. Such a combination works wonders around men. But there was one catch - I was very religious. No sex until marriage. Then I got married and still did not have much sex. My cuteness was wasted. I know, a very sad story. Try to limit your tears.

Now I still look OK, for a 40 year old woman. And there is that damn qualifier - “for a 40 year old woman.” Despite having four kids, I have kept my weight off. Well, sort of. I would still like to lose 10 pounds. And I don’t look horrible, just older. And older sucks. I try to fight it with hair dye, exercise and makeup. But it is eventually a losing battle.

So I was due for a mid life crises. But unlike most people I can tell you the hour it started. My midlife crises started on a Friday night at 8:00 P.M. with a cheesecake in front of me.. It was my birthday cheesecake with one candle. (40 candles would have been a fire hazard). After the waitress placed the plate down she asked my husband if he wants anything He said no.

That is what happened in reality. But here is what my eyes saw:

The 21 year old whore of a waitress plops down my cheesecake in front of me. She gives me a patronizing smile and ignores me. I probably remind her of her mother. She turns to my husband and slightly thrusts her firms tits up. She is presenting her young body to him. As if to say, why be with this old hag when you can have this? Her facial expression changes from cold to coy when she looks at my husband. Before she speaks she actually licks her lips. Fucking slut. She asks him if he wants anything. My husband face brightens. He face is friendly but his eyes are hungry.

A quick disclaimer, I love my husband dearly. He is an attractive man who is loving and a great father. I am lucky to have him.

Another disclaimer - I frequently get hormonal and crazy. Especially when I have been drinking.

Yeah, I know my reaction was irrational. Nothing happened. But in my mind my husband cheated. I could only see images of them in my brain having sex.  I was miserable that night.I refused to speak to him and I refused to eat my cheesecake. I was hurt and I wanted to have a tantrum on my birthday. It is my birthday and I will cry if I want to.

In the car my husband asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was hurt that he would leer at that waitress on my birthday. And it was obvious he found her pretty and wanted to fuck her.

Now his response was a classic example of how husband version 2.0 is different than the 1.0 version. My ex husband would have objected and denied any such thoughts. My new husband said, “Yeah I do find her cute. And I would like to fuck her. But I am married to you so I just fuck you.”

His honest was hurtful so I burst out crying. But somewhere down deep inside me I respected his answer.

We had a hotel booked for the evening so we could get away from the kids. But I told him I no longer wanted to go and we should just head home. My husband said he paid for the room and he was going there. And I was free to catch a cab to take me home.

So we get to the hotel room. I was still mad and drunk. I told him that I would stay but he could forget about sex. He could call that waitress if he wanted to fuck someone. But I was not available.

He told me that I was his wife and he would have me, with or without my approval.

I told him to fuck off, My body was mine. And I did not have to give him sex just because we were married. And what was he going to do, rape me?

He said yes. He would rape me. And I was free to call the police later if I wished. Be he would have me.

Damn. He called my bluff. He knew I loved him and would never do that. But I also knew this was an important issue. My body was MINE. That was not up for debate.

I stood looking up at him in defiance. I was angry. We stared at each other for what seem like eternity, but it was probably for for few seconds. Then he reached out and grabbed my dress at the shoulder and ripped it. I could hear it tear. It was a new dress. It cost me $600. Fucking asshole.

I remember throwing punched at him. I had never hit someone in my life. But I was wildly throwing punches at him. I was crazed. He easily avoided my swings and casually threw me on the bed face down like I was a little girl. I had no idea how much stronger he was than me. I was pinned.

He held me for a few minutes as I struggled. Then I gave up. What could I do? He was much stronger than me.

He mounted on top of me. I knew he would have me doggy style. And my stupid body betrayed me. I was ready for him. And I felt him. And then it was…

“Ummm.. sweetie? I think you must have also had too much to drink. Wrong hole.”

Hmmm.. yeah. There have been a few things I never wanted to experience in life. Things like being bit by a rattlesnake, contracting malaria or have anal sex. The idea has always seemed gross to me. Something best left for gay men.

My first husband was never sexually adventurous, so it was not an issue. And, Mark, the man I had an affair with was the size of a horse. I had troubles getting him in my vagina. So again, it was not an issue. But it looked like my luck ran out.

I actually went through the five stages of grief in about 10 minutes:

Denial: He won’t really sick up up there

Anger: I hate him. Why is he doing this to me?

Bargaining: Sweetie, I will give you a blow job every day if we can just skip this.

Depression: Why does my life suck?

Acceptance: Can you at least go to the drugstore and get some lubricant? Please?

To my surprise he agreed. He got dressed and went to the drugstore. This game me time to shower and drink more wine. I figured the more wine the better. I laid naked on the bed face down and I passed out.

I woke up with him on top of me. I relaxed and it slid it. It was the most sexually arousing thing I ever experienced. Umm,,, no. It was very painful. I learned that biting the pillow is not just a figure of speech.

But a strange thing happened. The pain of the anal sex seemed to push out the pain of being 40 and that stupid waitress. I felt a release. As if I no longer owned my body and it was now my husbands. For his pleasure.

An Apology

I am sorry about that last post I made. The guy that I sent it to did not deserve such hostility from me. I hate making excuses, but that e-mail was a culmination of events that set me off.

Years ago, I was taken advantage of by an older Christian man that acted as a father figure of sorts. (No we did not have sexual intercourse.) Those memories all flooded back and my letter was really to that guy. Anyway, I want to apologize to L.

Wednesday Nights

It is Wednesday night. When I was having an affair with Mark, Wednesday night was when we frequently met.

You know, that last paragraph has too many antiseptic euphemisms – words like “affair” and “met”. If I am going to face what I did, I need to keep it real. So I will rewrite that paragraph in a more honest manner.

It is Wednesday night. When I was committing adultery with Mark, Wednesday was the night when we snuck off and fucked.

We chose Wednesday nights, because I had the perfect excuse to be out of the house. Wednesday night was Bible study night at our church. I told my dear husband that I taught a class to teen girls. The lie was believable because I am a teacher at the school. (Committing adultery quickly teaches you how to be a lying whore.)

Wednesday evenings were always hectic. I had to race home, clean up the house, deal with the baby and my twin girls, and try to get dinner on the table so it would be ready when Jeff got home at around 6:00.

We would have a nice family dinner with four of us around the table and the baby in a highchair. As the spiritual leader of the home, Jeff would say grace and asked the Lord to bless my ministry tonight. I would secretly pray that the Lord would bless my orgasms tonight.

I know that sounds terrible and it is. I found that trying to be a good Christian woman while engaging in adultery creates an extreme form of cognitive dissonance. In psychological terms, I had to assume another personality. In spiritual terms I had to accept a demonic influence.

So when I looked at my young daughters at the table, I was able to smile and say silently in my head – “Be good for daddy. While Daddy is helping you with your homework and getting you ready for school the next day, Mommy will be spreading her legs for a strange man.”

Then I would look at my baby and think – “While the man that you think is your daddy is changing your diapers, I will be sucking your real daddy’s cock.”

After dinner I would hurry and shower and get dressed. I would change into a slutty bra and panties that were hidden under my conservative skirt and blouse.

I always kissed my husband goodbye and told him that I love him dearly.

On the highway I would drive past the church and head to the Hilton Hotel. My panties would be soaked by the time I arrived at the hotel. Mark would always have a hotel room key waiting for me at the front desk.

Over the weeks, the desk staff started to recognize me. For the first few weeks their smirks embarrassed me. They knew why I was there. And I could feel their eyes looking up and down my body.

At first the stares and leers of the front desk employees bothered me. But when I realized there was nothing I could do to avoid their leering eyes, I decided just to embrace it. Over the weeks I started to partially unbutton my blouse to show them my cleavage. At times I would show up wearing a sheer blouse without a bra. The guys at the front desk seemed to be very happy to come in. :-)

I always arrived at the room before Mark. While Mark could be nice, he frequently was violent when he got upset. And waiting for anything upset Mark.

While waiting for Mark I would read the Bible. In my mind I figured that this would allow me to be telling the truth when I told Jeff I was at Bible Study.

I never knew when Mark would arrive. Sometimes I only had to wait 5 minutes. Other times I would have for hours. On a few occasions he did not show at all. He never bothered to call one way or the other. That would be a courtesy he didn’t think he had to extend to me.

When Mark did arrive, we followed a set pattern. I would pour Mark a drink of Scotch as he settled in a chair. Invariably he was on the phone with someone talking business. I would massage his shoulders as he talked on the phone.

When he was through with business, we rarely spoke. We had nothing much to say to each other. He would tell me to undress. He would watch me strip as he sipped his drink. When I was naked I would stand in front of him and offer him a breast to suck. He was never gentle. It usually hurt, but it also felt good. When he was done sucking my breasts he would sit back in his chair. I would get on my knees and unzip his pants and start to suck his large cock.

Invariably that is when he would make a call to his wife, Lisa. While I was sucking his cock, he would tell her that he was working late. And that he loved her. And that he missed her.

When the call was over that was my cue to get face down on the carpet. I would close my eyes and wait in anticipation. Usually I would not have to wait long until I felt his cock enter me. He was never gentle or tender. He always fucked me hard in the doggy style position.

Mark has incredible stamina. While my husband is lucky to last two minutes, Mark would frequently fuck me hard for an hour. I usually reached multiple orgasms. As hard as I tried to maintain control, I would invariable end up shaking, moaning, screaming and crying.

Usually Mark did not ejaculate inside of me. He would pull out and turn me around. I would watch as his semen splattered on my chest and drip down my breasts.

A shower was next on the agenda. Mark said this was important so I didn’t leave my smell on him. I would soap him up and clean him. By that time he was usually hard again, so I would get on my knees and give him oral sex. Once I tasted his warm semen in my mouth, I would swallow. And that ended the shower.

There was little after sex talk. There never was any cuddling. We simply dressed and left. This routine continued week after week with very little variation.

When I got home the kids were usually asleep. Jeff was always up waiting for me even though he had to work the following morning. If I was real late I made up an excuse that I had to counsel some girl in a private session. Jeff was always amazed at my dedication.

When I walked through the front door I would always give Jeff and long and deep kiss. The thought that he might taste some of Mark’s semen amused me.

My Secret Crush

I first saw him in a Starbucks two weeks ago as I was getting my morning coffee before school. The first thing I noticed was how tall he was. He had to be 6’4”. He was dressed in what looked to be a tailor suit. He looked to be a clean cut business man in his 30s. His hair was blonde and his skin was fair. My heart started to pitter-patter like I was a school girl with a crush. He was beautiful.

The next morning I decided to get another coffee at the same time. Spending money on a Starbucks coffee seems like a silly indulgence in the best of times. But with my husband out of a job, I knew I had to count my pennies. But, then again, since I am making the money I deserve a little indulgence from time to time.

When I arrived the next morning, he just happened to be sitting at a table with his coffee and a copy of the Wall Street Journal. He was talking on his cell phone.

I got my coffee and sat at a table across from him. I had a little time before I had to be at school. And I could use the time to look at my lesson plan. So I pulled out my lesson plan and tried to focus on it. But for some reason my eyes kept darting up to this beautiful man.

In my mind I tried to guess who he was and what he did. I knew he was successful. And he wore a wedding ring. Was he happily married? Did he have children? These were the questions that went through my mind.

I also had more erotic questions. What did he look like naked? What would his cock feel like inside me?

For two weeks he was my morning eye candy. My secret crush. He was always so involved with his work, I figured he never noticed me.

Yesterday morning I looked up from my papers, and I saw that he was looking at me with his beautiful blue eyes. Our eyes briefly met. I felt myself blush and I looked down. Damn it, why do I have to be so shy?

Last night I could not sleep as my husband was snoring loudly. And my thoughts were on that beautiful blonde haired man. I imagined him taking me by the hand and whisking me away to a hotel room. I imagined his tongue running down my naked body. Sleep did not come for hours.

This morning my angel was there again. Unlike my dreams, he did not take me by my hand and whisk me away. But he did glance at me! A few minutes later he picked up his paper and walked out talking on his phone.

I am too shy to ever say anything. So he will always just be my secret crush. But that is OK. It makes my mornings happy.

Late Night Text Messaging

me: Mark. You have a sec, we need to talk.

Markxxxxx: hey, look who is there! Do I know you?

me: I am not in the mood to play games. Do you have a minute to talk?

Markxxxxx: Not really. Why don’t you give me a ring?

me: no… we can talk on here. I don’t want to hear your voice.

Markxxxxx: well, I guess you are out of luck. Cause I need to run.

me: quit being such an asshole. Just give me 10 mins.

Markxxxxx: I will give you 5 mins. Better get talking.

me: Yeah, I know you are so busy. XXXXX’s birthday was last week. And you didn’t even send a card.

Markxxxxx: YOU told me you wanted me out of your and his life. Remember? So why the fuck are you now talking to me?

me: Jesus… he is your son! You have no feelings for him?

Markxxxxx: And how do I know he is mine? Maybe he is not.

me: You are such a fucking asshole. Really, you are the one person in this world that I truly hate.

Markxxxxx: Awwww… I love it how you sweet talk me.

me: Anyway, forget it. I was stupid. I thought you might care that your son is facing a financial disaster. Thanks to you.

Markxxxxx: You are right. I don’t care. And how is your financial disaster my fault?

me: You know why. You got rid of Jeff once I broke it off between us.

Markxxxxx: Jeff is a useless slug. That had nothing to do with us.

me: That is bullshit, and you know it is.

Markxxxxx: I don’t have to explain myself to you. What is it you want from me?

me: I want you to show some decency and hire Jeff back.

Markxxxxx: Not going to happen.

me: I am not asking you to do it for Jeff or me. Just do it for your son.

Markxxxxx: I already told you No. Are you done?

me: Mark, please. I never have asked anything from you. I think I have been more than accommodating over the years based on our situation. You don’t understand what I bad situation I am in. Do you want me to get on my knees and beg?

Markxxxxx: I have rather fond memories of you on your knees.

me: I guess it is pointless to talk to you.

Markxxxxx: I tell you what. Let’s hook up for drinks next week and we can discuss this more in detail. I can’t make any promises but I will see what I can do.

me: You know I can’t see you anymore.

Markxxxxx: Then I guess our conversation is over.

Late Night Random Thoughts

- I shouldn’t read sex blogs. Just frustrates me.
- I have only had sex with two men in my life
- It has been 5 months since I have had sex
- I can’t stand my husband
- I need to stop blogging. I screwed up and used a real first name.
- I feel I have wasted most of my life
- I feel trapped
- My fantasy is to have sex with a stranger
- Men notice my breasts and I like it… sometimes
- I wish I didn’t have so much guilt
- I miss Mark
- I hate Mark
- I like tall men
- I like older men
- I love Pastor Karl in a way that is hard to explain
- I over analyze everything
- I don’t think anyone loves me in the world
- God no longer speaks to me
- I blush easily
- I am a natural red head
- Fall is my favorite season
- My favorite sexual position is doggy style
- People say I need to eat more